Sitting in the dentist chair I unexpectedly was able to effortlessly relax and fall into a deep meditative state. In the dentist’s chair of all places! I hadn’t felt that way in a long time and my body craved it. My only obligation was to be in the present moment, breath and not think about anything else; a necessity that I haven’t been giving myself at all lately. I have found clarity and moments of being present while hiking sometimes…but living here in LA and trying to make strides with acting and other endeavors has left me quite tired. It seems like a constant “what can I do next” energy anxiously flows through my body which hasn’t allowed me to ever really find true moments of surrender, peace and acceptance of where I am.
As my awareness blooms, I want to straddle that fine line of trusting in the process and giving myself time to truly relax while fervently going after my goals and intentions. When I was racing in triathlons back in the 90’s…I saw a lot of folks get very unbalanced with how much training and racing they were doing. Some of the over training led to injury or burnout, some led to divorce. Living in LA has hardened me in a number of ways. It’s made me tougher and more confident, but also sadly less sympathetic to others. I am glad I’m here…I intuitively know it is where I am supposed to be. But I would like to alter my method of operation and outlook.
I have found it isn’t always easy managing goals and expectations. It starts to wear on you always being on the lookout to find or make that break to get to the next level especially here where it is so competitive. My current mind set hasn’t allowed me any time off both emotionally and physically for fear of missing an opportunity. I have been here 2 years now and very rarely have I allowed myself to truly put away those feelings of needing/wanting to advance. I know there is more to life than booking an acting job; much more. And that my self-worth doesn’t hinge on a part in a movie. But going through the process can wear on you. I realize at times I have been living in fear instead of in trust. I would like to think I know better…I am sure we all do, yet I temporary lost sight of my ability to trust, manifest and enjoy the unique beauty of my journey.